How many different ways can one thing go wrong? Maybe I don't want to know.

In early December, I was supposed to send a package to my brother by a certain date. He needed it before his trip to Hawaii. I gathered all my stuff together and trekked off to the post office. I then realized that it was too late to send the package via regular US Postal Service mail and that I needed to use a courier service. No problem--USPS has a convenient arrangement with DHL, which guaranteed delivery by the date he needed the stuff. So I sent off my package, relieved that I had gotten things done right. Throughout the package's travels, I checked up on its status. As the days pass, my anxiety grew: the package was still in Montreal the night before my brother's flight for Hawaii. The first attempt of delivery: the day after he leaves. I called DHL and they said that they'd look into it, and that a delivery guarantee doesn't really mean anything because the delay could have been due to bad weather or something beyond their control. I'm a na鴳e person, so I bought it.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how wrong that is: How can someone throw around the word "guarantee" and not mean anything by it? After many, many calls (total hold time > 20 minutes) to various phone numbers of USPS and DHL, I convinced them that, yes, I do deserve a complete refund. I then discovered that, while everyone agreed I deserved a refund, no one was willing to pay it. More phone calls later, I discovered the delicate balance of accounts payable & receivable that magically results in my refund. I was satisfied; again, relief ensues, knowing that at least I wouldn't have paid for the screwup that caused my brother inconvenience.

After weeks and weeks of waiting, nothing happened. Finally, a cheque arrived in the mail last week and it's from the Postal Service. The original package was mailed 12/11/03; the cheque is dated 02/19/04. Late is better than never, I suppose. Surprisingly, it has the correct amount. Even the address is correct. The cheque stub has the correct parcel identification code, matching my original USPS/DHL waybill number. However, one little detail is askew: my name is spelt incorrectly.

Today I called the Accounting Service Center. After wading through phone menus offer things from information on tax claims involving rental payments to assistance with uniform refunds, I finally found a real person to talk to. I talked to someone from an entirely unrelated department--she worked in payroll--but I finally ended up with some advice from the US Postal Service. "Just try cashing it and see if they give you any money." Right. Good advice. It's amazing they even figured out how to work the laser printer that produced this worthless cheque.